Monday, May 4, 2009

Heartbreaking Epiphany

3 May 2009
5:41 PM

I should have wrote this yesterday, right after I get home, but happiness took away my rage and despair in a flight of ignorance and once again I forgive and asked for forgiveness instead. To me it felt like as same old record or tape playing over and over again, where my pain and tears, ignored completely as I broke down with my head sunk so low I thought I’m going to lie on the ground with tears and disgusting mucus smearing my face and my nose.
Was it always like this love? Was it always to be a joke?
For many days my eyes were blinded by tears and the horror of knowing facts and other thing of figuring an equations, building lines of truth under the fa├žade of reality and finally made an assumption of ‘what could have been’.
Do I not deserve this? That I am merely a part of the play, the dispensable part that about to be killed off when the real lead will come forward and put through a sword to my chest.
Is everything is nothing but a big joke for me?

Hit me baby one more time!!

30 April 30, 2009
3.01 pm

Ah, another day goes by and nothing to write on. Of course, don’t bother to say anything about it though. My loneliness is killing me ? not the kind that you had nobody literally more the one where you absolutely had everybody but none can be trusted with your heart with. Yeah, tell me all about exaggeration but yet to quote something that Jijie said ‘You don’t live my freaking life and like hell you’re not in my fuckin shoes, know what imma sayin?’ (Jijie’s are more polite though: P)
By the way I missed the oven ;( I hate steaming cake, it didn’t really gave the fully satisfaction that I need from it.

Jangan Tegur

29 April 29, 2009
9.23 pm

So yesterday, I finally get to watch Jangan Tegur. The movie is mediocre though but what I really want to watch is of course the possessed scene and I thought it was cool although it had much similarity with the 1973 The Exorcist. I think Julia Ziegler aced her possessed character in the movie, although the rest of it were alright I should be more appreciative, at least it didn’t end up to be like Jin Hutan (That is one stupid, full of shit movie that I have ever watched). Earlier on we (me and Karl) watched Bohsia and it was entertaining and funny in some way. I felt like Diana Danielle reminds me of those actress from the 90’s era and yet she’s young, barely 20 I think but that didn’t matter the movie is quiet entertaining and after watching Jin Hutan (wince) I don’t think I could ever be harsh when it comes to Malay movies.
By the way I’m craving for Ice cream Monster :P

Nothing but stupid

25 April 24, 2009
Midnight

It was a sure thing whenever I looked at and it was hard solid enough for me when I’m holding it in reality but still I can only lie so much to myself. Whenever I pretend not to care I always failed miserably. I do found a way to get a grip on this, I could get busy but I was too afraid. I was always unsure of myself and always procrastinate until I realized I wasted too many time and too many tears on idiotic matter regarding them.
Every time I had the nerve to do something about it and just as I about to step on it, my bravado crumbled and my strength vanished along with my faith in myself. I never felt so low and I thought I had been to rock bottom before.
Ah, life as a loser never was as easy as it looked.

Lie, Bake and Hope

24 April 2009
8.50 PM

Sweetie Tooth.
I felt it rang into my heart from the moment I say it. I can’t say I wasn’t fooled but I try hard not to. It didn’t matter some time whether it will be real or not, but I hope it would but hope alone won’t suffice. The path to follow won’t be easy, heck nothing will since I was so messed up.
I wonder will that one dream will follow me through as a dream or will I finally will it to life?. The question is impossible to answer. Ha-ha. By me at least, anybody else will answer it in a heartbeat. Thank you Dumb Blond who willing to dream with me and put me on fire when everybody else just shrugged and discourage. Whatever the outcome will be or no matter what decision I will make, I’ll remember when we had Sweetie Tooth, when we dreamt of the future and I’ll remember the fire and the iron clad hope we had even if it’s last only for a moment.

Today from tomorrow

24 April 2009
Midday

I have no other thought last night other than my usual. I shouldn’t be staying up till morn but I figure the sleepy I get the better sleep I’ll have, but no, not a better sleep only a better nightmare. I can feel my eyes, puffy and red with tears when I woke up today. I felt like those years of never ending nightmares is coming back to me again. Sigh*